There is definitely a postpartum “fog” that clears up for some women faster than others. Wilder Beginnings, who I fully recommend following for all things postpartum, was told by her chiropractor that fog will start to lift at three months, the clouds will part at four, you’ll see land ahead at five months, you’ll be clear headed and what? back to your old self at six months? Here I am with a fifteen-month-old, and I feel like little tufts of clouds keep poofing out of my way as I fumble my way through postpartum. Granted, where I am now is much less survival mode and one foot in front of the other as I was with a newborn, but I still feel like I have a while to go.
Each time a little cloud lifts, I get more a glimpse into my new identity as a mom, and I try to celebrate my little epiphanies. I try to tell my husband about them because he’s the closest one, other than the baby, who is walking by my side on this journey, but he admits that he can’t fully understand what I’m talking about. Can anyone? Can other moms? Or are all of us who are blessed enough to perpetuate our species just little islands of identity crises trying to catch some sun rays to break up our fog mountains so we can glimpse our new selves? Do big personal journeys need to be lonely? Is that just the nature of self-actualization?
You know what’s so crazy, though?
A couple of weeks ago I came home with an earth-shattering breakthrough about breastfeeding. I stopped my husband from whatever he was trying to do so I could tell him all about it. Now I can’t remember it at all. I remember it had something to do with lessening my anxiety around counting ounces that I pump and trusting that I’m making enough. It definitely had to do with enjoying and being grateful for my baby and my nursing relationship. For the life of me, I can’t remember what the ah-ha moment was.
Then I think of all the breakthroughs baby and I have made throughout our feeding journey. We started with nipple shields and triple feeding. How did I even do that? I pump like three times a day when I go to work, and no times a day when I’m at home with her, and I feel like that is such a chore. How was I pumping like eight times a day? I truly can’t remember, and yet I did that. Crazy!
I guess it doesn’t really matter, ultimately, if I can remember all the things as I trudge through the fog and kick the clouds out of my path as I go. I need to trust that all I’ve done and am going through is character and identity building, all specifics aside, and just keep celebrating the little epiphanies as more sun rays shine through.
TLDR?
- Postpartum fog lasts wayyyy longer than you might assume, so don’t be hard on yourself when things just don’t seem as they should, as quickly as you think they should.
- Postpartum is a lonely journey, but does it have to be?
- In retrospect, we do such incredible things in postpartum! Like how do we do all that?
- Moral of it all? I’m going to enjoy the journey, even though I have no idea where it’s going or when things will be “clear” again. Each moment of clarity is a realization of growth I’ve already made!