I started a blog. I learned unimaginable things about myself through my encounters with my toddler. I had a miscarriage. I started trying for another baby again. I went part time because, well, who was raising my daughter? I didn’t feel like it was me. I began, in earnest, to post nearly daily on my socials. I just turned 38.
This is just the big things. The things I look back on my year and think, “yeah, actually I did do that.” Or “yeah, that actually did happen to me.” It doesn’t nearly capture the beauty, the laughter, the joy, the awe, and yes, the shame, the horror, the growth, the utter transformation that I experienced on the day-to-day. You know that well enough; you’re alive!
I have learned so much. I have a lot to learn.
Tonight I texted with a few people who I used to be in a doctorate program with. Upon reflection, I couldn’t believe that that used to be my world. My priorities were my teaching job, and I was fully committed to helping young people feel empowered in their own voices. I was so hungry to learn and grow in my field. Now I bet if I picked up a book on theoretical frameworks that I used to know like the back of my hand, I wouldn’t even be able to decipher it.
My priorities are so different now. I am as utterly devoted to simplifying my life, puzzling out my inner self and ridding myself of all the noise as I used to be about helping others. I’m not lazier by jumping out of that part of society, I just can’t make myself care about those things. I’m a mom now, and I’m responsible for guiding another soul to be a helpful, compassionate person.
Tonight, I was also about to simplify my website. I have pages on here that I don’t even have anything posted on yet. Then I realized that I’m still finding my voice on this vast internet, and I feel like I have so much to say. Why limit myself from the start? Because my sourdough posts get the most views? So no, I’ll keep my clunky site and open mind for now, and I hope I can authentically and meaningfully express myself in a way that will positively influence others. After all, do we not all contain multitudes?
I look forward to what this year will bring. Hopefully more joy than sorrow. More love than terror. I know I’m starting from a place of anticipation, gratitude, and as much hope as I can muster.
I am so excited to connect with you!
Leave a comment below; what are you hopeful for?